Re: UK GCSE Answers

From: Robert Schneider (rjschn39@bellsouth.net)
Date: Fri May 02 2003 - 10:12:29 EDT

  • Next message: Michael Roberts: "Re: UK GCSE Answers"

    Regarding the student exam answers on this and the other post, Steve shared
    with us, I have seen versions of these so often over the past 25 years, that
    they have attained the status of urban legends. I've seen examples of both
    attributed to students in the USA. There must be a "ur" version of both the
    Bible and the history exams somewhere. I suspect some of them are
    intentionally clever, and either invented by clever students or a clever
    writer of such documents. Still, a lot of funnies here. I remember a few
    from similar lists:

    What is an epistle? An epistle is the wife of an apostle.

    Name the four evangelists. Answer: Moody, Sankey, and Billy Sunday are the
    only ones I ever heerd of.

    In the European history category:
        The Holy Roman Emperor had his lower passage blocked by the French for
    years and years.

    Bob

    ----- Original Message -----
    From: "Steve Bishop" <stevebishop_uk@hotmail.com>
    To: <asa@calvin.edu>
    Sent: Friday, May 02, 2003 7:33 AM
    Subject: UK GCSE Answers

    >
    >
    > The following are supposedly genuine GCSE answers given in recent exams...
    >
    > GCSE Answers (age 15/16)
    > Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
    > They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of
    the
    > Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
    >
    > The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
    > Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
    their
    > children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"
    >
    > Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
    > bread, which is made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
    Cyanide
    > to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
    >
    > Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
    >
    > The Greeks were a highly sculptured people. Without them we would not have
    > history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
    >
    > Actually Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.
    >
    > Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
    > They killed him. Socrates die of an overdose of wedlock. After his death,
    > his career suffered a dramatic decline.
    >
    > In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
    > threw the java.
    >
    > Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans
    > because they never stayed in one place long.
    >
    > Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
    of
    > March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
    Dying
    > he gasped out "Tee hee Brutus".
    >
    > Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the
    > fiddle to them.
    >
    > Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonised by Bernard Shaw.
    Finally
    > Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same
    > offence.
    >
    > In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the
    > furtile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
    > literature.
    >
    > Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
    > standing on his son's head.
    >
    > Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a Queen she was a success. When
    > she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "Hurrah".
    >
    > It was a great age of inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
    > removable type and the bible. Another important invention was the
    > circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
    > invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake
    > circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
    >
    > The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
    born
    > in the year 1554, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and
    > is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and
    > hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example
    > of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
    >
    > Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
    > Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
    > Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
    >
    > During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
    > navigator who discovered America while cruising about the Atlantic. His
    > ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.
    >
    > Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean and this was called Pilgrim's
    Progress.
    > The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and
    > many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
    >
    > One of the causes for the Revolutionary wars was that the English put
    tacks
    > in their tea. Also the colonists would send parcels through the post
    without
    > stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for
    > taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
    congress.
    > Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
    > Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity
    > by rubbing two cats backwards and declared. "A horse divided against
    itself
    > cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
    >
    > Soon the constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic
    > hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
    bare
    > arms.
    >
    > Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
    > in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
    > hands. Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
    On
    > the night of the 14th April 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot
    > in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed
    > assassin was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined
    > Booth's career.
    >
    > Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
    > invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
    >
    > Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn
    > when the apples are falling off trees.
    >
    > Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions from 1750 to the
    > present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
    > Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.
    >
    > Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf, he wrote
    loud
    > music. He look long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
    > him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
    >
    > The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted
    > into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
    > Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
    >
    > The sun never set on the British Empire because it is in the East and the
    > sun sets in the West.
    >
    > Queen Victoria was the longest Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She
    > was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event
    which
    > ended her reign.
    >
    > The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
    > People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
    > invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
    > McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred
    men.
    >
    > Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturist
    > who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madam Curie discovered radio. And Karl
    > Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
    >
    > The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch Duck by an
    > antihist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
    >
    >
    > _________________________________________________________________
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