UK GCSE Answers

From: Steve Bishop (stevebishop_uk@hotmail.com)
Date: Fri May 02 2003 - 07:33:57 EDT

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    The following are supposedly genuine GCSE answers given in recent exams...

    GCSE Answers (age 15/16)
    Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
    They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the
    Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

    The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
    Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
    children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"

    Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
    bread, which is made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide
    to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

    Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

    The Greeks were a highly sculptured people. Without them we would not have
    history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

    Actually Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.

    Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
    They killed him. Socrates die of an overdose of wedlock. After his death,
    his career suffered a dramatic decline.

    In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
    threw the java.

    Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans
    because they never stayed in one place long.

    Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
    March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying
    he gasped out "Tee hee Brutus".

    Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the
    fiddle to them.

    Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonised by Bernard Shaw. Finally
    Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same
    offence.

    In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the
    furtile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
    literature.

    Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
    standing on his son's head.

    Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a Queen she was a success. When
    she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "Hurrah".

    It was a great age of inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
    removable type and the bible. Another important invention was the
    circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
    invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake
    circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born
    in the year 1554, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and
    is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and
    hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example
    of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

    Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
    Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
    Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

    During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
    navigator who discovered America while cruising about the Atlantic. His
    ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe.

    Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean and this was called Pilgrim's Progress.
    The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and
    many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

    One of the causes for the Revolutionary wars was that the English put tacks
    in their tea. Also the colonists would send parcels through the post without
    stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for
    taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented congress.
    Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
    Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity
    by rubbing two cats backwards and declared. "A horse divided against itself
    cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

    Soon the constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic
    hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare
    arms.

    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
    in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
    hands. Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On
    the night of the 14th April 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot
    in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed
    assassin was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined
    Booth's career.

    Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire
    invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

    Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn
    when the apples are falling off trees.

    Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions from 1750 to the
    present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
    Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

    Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf, he wrote loud
    music. He look long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for
    him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

    The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted
    into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since
    Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

    The sun never set on the British Empire because it is in the East and the
    sun sets in the West.

    Queen Victoria was the longest Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She
    was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which
    ended her reign.

    The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
    People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The
    invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
    McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

    Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturist
    who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madam Curie discovered radio. And Karl
    Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

    The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch Duck by an
    antihist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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