UK science answers

From: Steve Bishop (stevebishop_uk@hotmail.com)
Date: Fri May 02 2003 - 07:30:43 EDT

  • Next message: Steve Bishop: "UK GCSE Answers"

    These are (allegedly) genuine answers given in UK examinations:

    KEY STAGE 2 SCIENCE ANSWERS (age 11)
    When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

    H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

    To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

    When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

    Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state..

    Water is composed of 2 gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin
    is gin and water.

    Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

    Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

    Respiration is composed of 2 acts, first inspiration, and expectoration.

    The moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader.

    Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the
    bull.

    Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
    perspire.

    Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

    The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable
    cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
    lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are
    five - a, e, i, o, & u.

    The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

    The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the
    outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to
    hitch meat to.

    The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards
    the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
    I forget where the sun joins the fight.

    A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the extinct it is.

    Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the
    unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.

    Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

    Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

    Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

    Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

    Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

    Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

    Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

    To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

    For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart
    stops.

    For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
    artifical perspiration.

    For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the
    hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.

    For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,
    then kill it.

    For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until patient is dead.

    For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your
    throat.

    To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

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